She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
