After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
