Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
