There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
