mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
