It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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