After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
