she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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