So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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