dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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