your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
