Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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