Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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