sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
