Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
