shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
