About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
