i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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