you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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