I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize