new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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