I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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