Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
