i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
