Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
