Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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