Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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