woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
