The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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