This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize
