I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
