reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I want to fling myself into the sun
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
