Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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