apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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