My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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