so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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