I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize