life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
