The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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