at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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