You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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