they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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