I smell stomach acid.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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