the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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