why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
