I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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