he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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