I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
