I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
