i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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