How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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