sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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