Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
