Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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