i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
